Some are also good at general anatomy and sports therapy. I was writhing in pain from pulled muscles and they knew exactly how to massage it and felt instant relief. The regular adjustments, not so much.

The thought of someone called “doctor” who’s going to ‘adjust’ my spine by popping it with some spring-loaded tool scares the shit outta me.

Not true. They serve a very specific purpose, they just aren’t great at communicating it. Tight muscles pull vertebrae and joints out of place. A chiropractor puts them back into place but they don’t fix the tight muscles. That’s on you. Knowing this I’ve had great success on the few occasions I’ve seen chiropractors, since I do a lot of myofascial release on my muscles.