In case this is not a joke, please consider hiring someone to help you with the website UI.

I agree. I want to hire someone to do the UI. I am also seeking funding. I appreciate your feedback.

I have no idea how to even operate this thing.

I appreciate this. How far did you get in the process?

There are six different buttons on the over the fold area alone, most of which look completely different for no reason.

Wow. Thanks for bringing this to my attention. I definitely will address this.

Scrolling down is even more confusing. What even is all this?

Great question. It is data. here is a video explaining it